


Carved out heart | A Wilde week 2020 | Day 1 | Forgiveness/Apathy

by Sevik



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: A Wilde Week 2020 (Rusty Quill Gaming), Betrayal, Day 1, M/M, mention of violence, more insight and retelling than story, no beta we die like romans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:36:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27581471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sevik/pseuds/Sevik
Summary: Day 1 - "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."Forgiveness | Revenge | ApathyI went for a mix of forgiveness and apathy. Really hope I did not lose myself writing this.Sorry if it is a bit rushed! It's almost midnight.The whole thing is more of a retelling of how Wilde got his scar and what it means for him now.
Relationships: Alfred "Bosie" Douglas/Oscar Wilde
Comments: 5
Kudos: 11
Collections: A Wilde Week 2020





	Carved out heart | A Wilde week 2020 | Day 1 | Forgiveness/Apathy

####  INFATUATION

There was a time and a place for everything. For Wilde, the peak of his tumultuous days in London’s high society coincided with his latest promotion within the meritocratic forces. He thrived there; in every wild night, every whispered conversation and purposefully spread rumor about London’s high society. He never again felt so seen and feared and adored as during these days. Quite intoxicating, really.

Who could blame him for an affair or two? He was young and handsome and so very sure of himself. The beautiful people almost drowned him. He was his only constant in the sea of passing faces - until he wasn’t. One particular young man managed to catch him off guard and keep his interest. 

And because Oscar was still young himself, he had not yet learned the difference between infatuation and love. Could not yet discern the difference between being showered the undivided attention of a caring lover and a self-absorbed egoist demanding to be beheld.

Once he found himself thinking where his love, where Bosie would fit in. If he truly was called to work for Apophis, he would have to spend a significant amount of time in Egypt. On the one hand, Bosie had already expressed his joy in that prospect. On the other hand, Oscar feared the younger man heavily misjudged the amount of time his new occupation would actually leave him.

It was a good thing, though, wasn’t it? That he had finally found someone he cared enough about. Someone who he wanted to stay, to have a future together.

Even years later, despite everything, Wilde would give in to these silly, romantic feelings and remember a time where he had been the world’s biggest fool.

  
  


####  PROTECTION

The last weeks in Cairo were the worst. After another surveillance mission, this time in Istanbul, Wilde found he could not take it anymore. He was proficient enough to see the pattern by now - and it broke his heart that he understood, deep down, that there was both nothing he could do to help Bosie and simultaneously wanted nothing more for the young man to be safe. 

Every time he would return, Bosie would give him the cold shoulder, ignore him and leave their flat for parties with people Wilde had no affiliation with. Infuriatingly, every time another one of Wilde’s precious objects was missing, despite leaving Bosie with virtually a fortune to spend. He couldn’t imagine his family’s keepsakes were worth much, so he assumed that Bosie did it to hurt him. Well, mission accomplished.

And, like clockwork, once Bosie had gotten it out of his system, he came back. Wilde, despite knowing better, always opened the door for him. He saw the hurt behind those beautiful eyes, knew the man needed help and understood that there was no one who could endure this but him. If Wilde wasn’t there for Bosie, then likely no one would. 

Wilde always fell for the spiel because someone had to protect Bosie from the cruel, cold world. Nothing compared to the reassuring touch of a familiar lover.

Gods, did he want to keep the cycle going. No matter how much it hurt, he knew the good times would come at the end of the suffering. 

Once he’d seen the pattern, however, he felt like a maltreated dog. Objectively, he was giving Bosie everything he wanted, and more. And in return? Their little dance had even started to affect his career - had almost cost him his life during a life-and-death situation in Paris, all because he had been sent on a mission again before their cycle had come to full closure.

So when Bosie came knocking for the last time, Wilde had his luggage packed and a sufficient sum in an envelope ready to hand over. He’d never been insulted and hurt quite like that night.

  
  


####  DEPENDANCE

He should have seen it coming. Bosie, despite being back in London, would not stop being a part of his life. Every week he received a letter from the man, asking for clarification, another chance, vowing to be better, to be a grown and changed man, admitting to him being the best lover he's ever had, pleading for Wilde to take care of him once more. 

That one was on him, really. Oscar had never been good at talking about his feelings. He should have been able to give the poor man some explanation, though. Should have been able to present the steps they always took. Surely that would have broken him. Nobody wanted to hear they’d been figured out, not if they thought themselves to be so deep and clever.

Wilde found it best to not respond at all. Not because that was the right thing to do, but because he himself could be very much a coward and, by not writing anything at all, he evaded the chance to write the wrong thing.

  
  


####  RESURGENCE

Wilde had barely gotten them all out of Prague and sent them off to their next assignment.

In the ruins of an almost overrun city he saw Bosie. Indeed a little older, more defined and a lot more courteous than last time they spoke. Unfortunately, also wounded and smiling despite himself at meeting the love of his life again. The younger man latched onto Wilde and Wilde, desperately in need of any distraction and desperate for warmth and stability, was willing to forgive. 

Three days later, at dawn and still wrapped in fine sheets, he found himself at the sharp end of a blade, fighting for his life with a man that had unfortunately started to grow a lot more muscle and determination. And blue veins.

He also knew that whatever had possessed Bosie was anything but the young man.

Oscar really counted himself lucky that he made it out alive and uninfected.

And yet, this had served as a harsh reminder of what the world was like now and that he could not afford love. Not now. 

He ignored how hollow he felt after that morning, every time he had to look himself in the face and saw an ugly scar. 

He simply pushed on, like he always did. There was nowhere else to go but forwards, after all. And maybe, over time, he could forgive himself for wrapping up the young, bright man in a scheme to kill one Oscar Wilde.

With little supplies left and no more reliable contacts he turned to the only people he could vaguely trust - in that they were at least still uninfected enemies.


End file.
